Pay v play

Who’s up for the cup…. Anyone? Anyone at all… hello?

Stop noncing and get boncing.

It’s 2.50pm on 4th round Saturday. Dreams of Wembley fill the air and Barnet fans dare to imagine the furore they’ll cause if they can overcome the mighty Plymouth Argyle and progress to the 5th round. It could be Man U next, or Chelsea.

Over at SKY studios, Paul Merson is putting the finishing touches to his hilarious ‘They’ve been mugged good and proper not never they have, guvnor, strike a light if the ball ain’t gone and hit the beans on toast’ routine. Elsewhere in the studio McLintock, Thompson et all are busily dreaming up fascinating new ways of insinuating that the other panellists are quite old, and Jeff Whatsisface is gargling with marbles in preparation of an afternoon barking his way through some good old fashioned FA Cup shockery. Everything is going right to plan. The world’s greatest cup competition is centre stage once more and we’re all very excited about it.

Except that someone’s forgotten to tell the fans. As kick off approached and the SKYTV cameras scanned round the grounds, you could have been forgiven for assuming that most of the matches had been called off at the last minute. There were more empty seats than a controversial Big Brother eviction night.

Take a bow Crystal Palace who drew a shameful 8,422 for their game at home to Preston. This works out to a woeful 32% of Selhurst Park’s capacity. Ipswich v Swansea drew a poxy 16,635, just half of Portman Road’s capacity. Apologies to the poxy 16,635 who did turn up, you’re not poxy, in fact you reduce Ipswich’s overall pox-factor by your attendance. It’s the stay-aways I should be calling poxy but you know what I mean and I haven’t got all day. Moving swiftly along, say hello to those die-hard, football-crazy kids at Fulham v Stoke. The Premiership club pulled in just 11,059 for a game they were likely to win, in the only competition they still can.

If it hadn’t been for Prawn Sandwich FC’s whopping 71,000, FA Cup 4th round gates on Saturday would have averaged just 16,850. Hang on a minute, did I forget to mention Luton… 5,887 for the visit of Premiership Blackburn! No wonder the team folded faster than Superman on laundry day, they probably thought they were playing for the stiffs. This was Luton’s lowest gate of the season so far in their biggest game. The FA are manfully arguing that the average gates for this round were the highest for 29 years. This is true but all the big teams, Chelsea, Arsenal, Man U played at home and guaranteed sell out crowds no matter what the competition or opposition. Take those three out of the equation, or have them playing away and it’s clear to see there are problems. Almost everywhere else, there were vast swaths of empty seats all over the shop. Have we finally succumbed to conspiracy theory that the FA Cup doesn’t matter anymore? Are we a bit skint this month? Have we been feeling slightly under the weather and all that? Are we too busy contemplating suicide? Well, it is January. Whatever the reason, to most football supporters, The FA Cup is now about as appealing as a slap in the face with an ill-tempered tench.

So where the bloody-blimey has everyone gone? Shopping with the wife? Playing golf? Wine tasting in Chablis? Naaah, take a look in your local park. You’ll see them there, alright. They’ll be the ones wearing the green & white hooped, home-washed kits held together by that tell-tale grass roots badge of honour — the stubborn under stain.

The reason football hasn’t come home is because it’d rather be down the local rec’ having fun than forking out a small fortune to watch a bunch of over-paid nancy-boys poncing around the place in expensive haircuts looking for cheap penalties.

Tim Southwell

Editor isporty.com interactive

29th January 2007