Chaos as PM joins 'Cash For Tickets' row

Prime Minister Tony Blair yesterday chose an unorthodox route to give his backing to The Sun campaign aimed at reducing ticket prices for football fans.

In an emotional and unscheduled address to the Working Men's Club in Sale, Blair shocked onlookers as he wept openly into his shandy and said loudly: "Leeds United added an extra 10,000 to their recent attendance versus QPR after Ken Bates finally realised that charging working class people £40 each to watch a bunch of over-paid muppets flounder around a football pitch, was not going to work." A visibly shaken Mr Blair had to be helped from the stage as he apeared to lose his footing getting down the steps. "I'm allright," he shouted but onlookers begged to differ. "He was pretty wasted," said a regular at the club. "He and a few of the other cabinet guys came in around 11.30 this morning after a foreign policy all nighter. You could tell they wanted to blow off some steam. A row broke out about football and Blair attempted to calm things down by jumping up on stage and waving a copy of The Sun at everyone." "What is it about bloody football?" he was later heard shouting as he queued for a cab. "It's madness when you think how bloody expensive it is. And clubs like Leeds are in serious danger of jettisonning a whole generation of would be fans whose parents can't afford the daft prices and who'll end up supporting the same old Premiership big guns as they can afford to watch them on TV. It's bloody sod's law, oi, I saw that cab first..."

isporty would like to know what you think of all this ticket pricing caper. Has the world gone mad? And if it has, what can be done about it? Come on, if it's good enough for the Prime Minister...

Liverpool v Barcelona Preview

You can get 500-1 that Craig Bellamy will French kiss John Arne Riise as he flies through the air to score a dramatic bicycle kick winner in front of the Kop End next week.

And you can get a further 1,000-1 that Riise will remove his Liverpool shirt at the end of the game to reveal an undershirt which says 'Valley Boys do it best'. After their heroics in the Nou Camp last week, few people are backing against the Reds completing a famous victory. Even Ronaldinho was moved by events. "It take a lot to make me cry," said the horse-faced wizard. "But when I heard that Bellamy had made a proposal of marriage to John Arne Riise, I had to be hosed down. You'd have to be a mug to back against them going all the way and getting a hat-trick each against us in Liverpool. We've got no chance and between you and I, this trip to Liverpool for me is more about my pilgrimage to the Beatles Museum which is wonderful at this time of year. Paul McCartney is definitely my favourite Beatle."

isporty would like to know what you think is going to happen at Anfield next week. Will Liverpool triumph or will Ronaldinho forget all about The Beatles and concentrate on the job in hand?

Dog Day Afternoon

Oscar De La Hoya has stunned future opponent Floyd Mayweather Jr after making a bizarre claim that Mayweather is, in actual fact, a small dog trapped in a large man's body.

As the run in to the world's richest ever bout, titled The World Awaits, began in earnest, De La Hoya wasted no time in admistering some serious freakdown to the proceedings: "I can tell when someone is nervous," said the self-styled Pretty Boy. "It's a bit like a Chihuahua looking for a loud discussion with an Alsatian, they don't really mean it. At the end of the day, Chihuahua's would rather settle down with a good book and have a smoke on their pipe. They might come over all 'Yeah? Yeah?,' but they really don't mean it." De La Hoya's comments were in response to Mayweather offering him a personal $3m bet as to the outcome. "I have yet to meet the Chihuahua who can get his hands on that kind of money quickly," said De La Hoya. "A St Bernard yes, a Labrador possibly but a Chihuahua? He's crazy." The World Awaits is being beamed live to 176 countries around the world and is expected to surpass pay-per-view records set by Lennox Lewis v Mike Tyson.

isporty would like to know which type of dog you think is most likely to be able to get his hands on $3m. Or, more reasonably, isporty would like to know who you think is going to win this mega fight. And what about Mayweather's estranged father, Floyd Mayweather Sr being De La Hoya's trainer?! You couldn't make it up. It's on HBO May 5th, don't miss it.

Wild Stallion

Italian rugby star Salvatore Perugini has issued a stark warning to New Zealand ahead of the 2007 Rugby World Cup.

After seeing off the Scots on Saturday for their first ever away win in the RBS Six Nations, things have got a little out of control in the corridors of power in Italian rugby. "If we can beat the Scots then our first game in the World Cup this summer against New Zealand should be no problem, we will crush them with our handling majesty," declared Perugini. Despite being rated at odds of between 200 and 1,000-1 by the bookies to win the cup, Perugini is defiant: "We are fighters and we are lovers. This will be the year that the world understands the beautiful painting of Italian rugby. And if we don't win, at least we look good when we walk down the streets of Madrid with the fashion."

isporty wants to know who you think is going to win this year's World Cup. Surely it'll be England. Or probably New Zealand or Australia or South Africa. And did you know that Argentina are rated with a much better chance than Scotland? Crikey, whatever next?

Wild Blue Honda

Those limp-wristed, liberal, do-gooders over at the Honda Formula One HQ are swapping last year's Lucky Strike cigarette advertising for a giant picture of the Earth to raise awareness of environmental issues.

"Climate change is probably the single biggest issue facing the global community and F1 is not immune from it," team boss Nick Fry said in a statement today. The fact that the RA107 vehicle that the logo is splattered all over uses more fuel in one lap than a fleet of Jumbo jets is of absolutely no consequence, whatsoever. And guess what, you can have your own name on the .. in tiny, eco-friendly letters. Check out their fuel-guzzling website, sign up and before you know it, you'll be squinitng till your eyes fall off as you try in vain to locate your name on a car travelling 270 miles per hour. The season starts in Melbourne on March 18.

isporty would like to know what hypocritical, headline grabbing, PR spinning nonsense your sports club has come up with over the years in order to make themselves feel better about stuff.

Bermuda Snorts

More aggro in the build up to the Cricket World Cup as Bermudan cricket officials react angrily to suggestions by the Dutch team that they have exclusive rights over thrashing Scotland.

Bermudan wicket-dodger Kevin Hurdle said: "If anyone's going to slaughter the Scots, we will. The very idea that any Dutch team is going to get in there first and bag three points is laughable." Commentators then informed Hurdle that Bermuda weren't actually in Scotland's group, to which Hurdle retorted: "Just because we're making up the numbers as part of a futile attempt by the cricket authorities to make out the whole world loves cricket, doesn't mean we can't beat Scotland. Of course we can. We wouldn't turn up at all if we didn't think there was a good chance of us playing an even worse team than ourselves." There are nearly 2,000 cricketers in Bermuda.

isporty wants to know how excited you are about the prospect of Holland versus Scotland in the cricket World Cup in March. Will it be painful to watch or are you actually intending to crack open the beers, unleash the pretzels and have a cracking good laugh at their expense?

Man United secrets exposed

Man Utd No.2 loses his mind and tells the world Fergie's secrets.

So now we know the secrets to Manchester Utd's success. In a somewhat misguided interview in this week's Zoo magazine, Man Utd No 2 Carlos Queiroz decided to blow the gaff on exactly what makes the team tick. Apparently it's all down to six bits of paper stuck on the dressing room wall. The 'most important words' are king at Old Trafford, ranging from the 'six most important words' down to the 'single most important word. So here they are then, the six crucial messages every Manchester United player has to learn before he goes out on the pitch.

The six most important words: 'Don't Let Neville Take Free Kick'

The five most important words: 'Always Give Ball To Ponyboy'

The four most important words: 'Never take drug test''

The three most important words: 'I hate Liverpool'

The two most important words: 'And Chelsea'

The one most important word: 'Money'

So there yo have it, the key to success. All you have to do now is write them down and put them on your own dressing room wall and watch the results roll in.

isporty would like to know your own motivational secrets. What's the best team talk you've ever received? Was it a simple: "Get stuck in, you lilly-livered nancy boys!", or was there a certain nuance to the oratory that beguiled, informed and inspired? Let us know because we haven't got a clue

Go Dutch Go!

World Cup Cricket minnows the Netherlands today went berserk, claiming that Scotland were in for a right pasting, as excitement reaches fever pitch in the Caribbean.

You might not be aware of this but in 1860, cricket was such big news in Holland that you could barely cross the canal in Amsterdam without some tanked up clog-tapper screaming 'Catchit!' at you. Nowadays it's not so big, but on March 16th, 6,000 stalwart cricketers in the Netherlands will be shouting loudly at their televisions as Andre van Troost, Dan van Bunge and Bas Zuiderent lead the team out for their opener against South Africa in St Kitts. As if that wasn't bad enough they've also got to face Australia, but at least they’re certain of three points against Scotland. “We might be a bit sketchy but Scotland make us look like world beaters.” Said van Bunge. “Anyone who says we’re crap has only got to look back at how we qualified for this tournament. There are no easy matches at this level and the United Arab Emirates were no mugs, I can tell you.” van Bunge was also quick to point out that Holland actually have some recent World Cup form, seeing off Namibia for their solitary World Cup victory in 2003. "Put that in your pipe and smokle it," raged van Bunge, "I'm having a pony on us to win the group — 250-1, can you believe that?!" Cricket is Holland's 25th most favourite sport.

isporty wants to know what your 25th most favourite sport is. Or to put it another way, who do you think is going to win the World Cup? I reckon England but don't let me push you around. Maybe you fancy Bermuda? Get all the latest odds and give the bookies your cash, they'll enjoy that.

Tony No

Crucible old boy refuses cue to leave.

Snooker - Former semi-finalist Tony Knowles fell at the first hurdle of his attempt to qualify for the final stages of the 888.com World Championship in Prestatyn. Knowles, snooker's 80s pin up boy, who reached the semis at the Crucible in 1983, 1985 and 1986, was beaten 5-4 by Londoner Del Smith in the first qualifying round. Smith overcame the 51-year-old's challenge by taking the deciding frame on the blue. A clearly confused Knowles, who earned £739,052.00 during his career said afterwards: "My understanding was that it wasn't over until the fat lady sang. Anyone in the crowd will tell you there weren't even any fat ladies there so you figure it out! As far as I'm concerned I'm still in with a chance. It might look like a long shot with me being eliminated and everything but I've never been a quitter and I'm not going to start now."

isporty wants to know who you think will win this year's World Championships? Is it possible, by any chance whatsoever, that Jimmy White might turn back the clock, overcome the odds and send us all into cliche-overdrive by winning? Or will it be someone boring as usual?

It's A Carling Cup Knockout

John Terry got off his hosptal bed to lift the Carling Cup last night and said: “Who's getting married?”

The Chelsea skipper was knocked unconscious at 4.11pm after being kicked in the face by Arsenal’s Abou Diaby. But after discharging himself from hospital in Cardiff he was back at the Millennium Stadium at 5.58. There he joined in the party to celebrate the victory over Arsenal with relieved team-mates who cheered as he held the Carling Cup aloft in the dressing room. The England captain, 26, was earlier rushed to University Hospital Cardiff in a neck brace and wearing an oxygen mask. He regained consciousness soon after being admitted. Terry initially could not remember anything after what he had for his breakfast, though he remembered this with pinpoint accuracy — Two rounds of cheese on toast, a glass of Innocent smoothie because it's all natural ingredients and the labels are reallly funny aren't they, two poached eggs and a flagoon of whisky. But then he began to recognise the Chelsea medics who had gone to the hospital, one of whom Terry claimed looked like his Auntie Nerys just after she got married to Uncle Sid. Having been scanned and checked by specialists, he dashed back to the stadium to join in the celebrations. When asked how he was feeling he replied “I’m just glad the wedding went off without a hitch and the best man didn't say anything rude in his speech.”

isporty wants to know what horrendous injuries have stricken your own sporting careers. Have you ever been clobbered in the face by the stray boot of an opponent? If so, did it really hurt or are you actually quite hard so that sort of thing doesn't bother you?

Lob Wedge War

Tennis - Blimey, first they want equal voting rights, then they started setting light to our vests and now it's equal pay for women tennis players at Wimbledon. Which is strange because I always thought they got the same. But apparently Wimbledon's the last Grand Slam not to award both sexes the same prize money. No surprise that the All England Club are a little slow on the uptake of changes in modern society but there you go. It's not right though, is it - equal pay for women tennis players? They only play three sets max and, as I recall, most of the matches end 6-0 6-0 to Billie Jean King. Plus, all that extra time not playing five sets means they can all enter the doubles so they're probably making even more cash than the fellas! It's an outrage. Mind you I haven't paid much notice since Buster Mottram got banned for attempting to kill that line judge with his second serve. Now there was a forward thinking young man.

isporty wants to know what tragic discrimination you've been faced with in your sport. Do they take one look at you at the gate and say: "Dustbin day's Friday mate." Or "Clear off, we don't like your kind round these parts." Let us know and we'll get it sorted no dramas.

Told you!

Stricken England boss faces devastating climbdown

Football - David Beckham was close to an England recall last night as Steve McClaren prepared to make a huge U-turn and admit he’s been a total fool. The England manager watched tapes of Beckham's man of the match display for Real Madrid on Tuesday in the Champions League and admitted he was close to welcoming the former skipper back into the fold. McClaren said: "It gives me a problem. On the one hand I’m going to look like a spineless muppet who doesn’t know his own mind, and on the other hand I wouldn’t mind winning a match at some stage. It's a thundering nuisance, I don’t mind telling you."

isporty would like to know if you've ever had to make a difficult selection decision involving someone you clearly don't like but is obviously the best person in their position? Or, have you been left out of things at your sporting club because the berk in charge couldn't see how great you really are? Email us now before you forget...

Bellamy & Riise — Marriage on cards?

Football Astonishing revelations from Anfield

You couldn't bleedin' make it up could you? Just when you thought Craig Bellamy was going to be consigned to the great footballing graveyard in the sky (or Portsmouth or somewhere) he goes and turns in a blinder, scoring Liverpool's first when the Barca keeper got scared of his header and ran away into his own net, and then... wait for it, teeing up John Arne Riise for the second! Bellamy, dubbed the 'Nutter with the Putter' after attacking Riise with a golf club last week, said: "I hope this will put an end to all the nonsense. The fact is that John Arne Riise and I are very much in love. That whole thing with the golf club was no more than anyone would have done if they'd caught the man they loved winking at Peter Crouch. I'm sorry, that's just me. John knows who I am and what I'm capable of, I just hope the gaffer sees it the same way." Riise, sporting a magnificent diamond ring, couldn't conceal his glee: "It's true, we're engaged. It was very romantic. We were playing golf and Craig asked me if I had any spare Titleist ProV1s as he had just shanked his last one into the trees, so I looked in my golf bag and there it was, an engagement ring. Well, you hear about things like this in Mills & Boon books but when it happens to you, well.." Riise reckoned it was written in the stars that both he and Bellamy would get engaged and prove to be Euro heroes all in the same week. He said: "It was destiny for both of us, I think. Craig and myself have had a difficult build-up but we’ve put it behind us. I hope the press will now respect our privacy and leave us to enjoy our honeymoon."

isporty would like to know if you've ever accidentally fallen in love with a team mate/running partner etc after they attacked you with a sporting item unrelated to your actual specialist sport? Did it affect your game or spur you on to greater things?