Sporting Nudity Reaches Epidemic Status

What’s going on for crying out loud? Everyone’s taken their clothes off and started running round the place like they’ve got something unusual and interesting to show us. I mean, whatever happened to decency, moral fortitude and all that? First we had that streaker running on at Lords and showing a perplexed Mike Gatting her whadjamacallits. And if anyone can name me the last Premiership footy player to score and not whip off his shirt, I’ll give them a shiny shilling. And woe betide you accidentally stray onto the pitch as the full-time whistle goes. No sooner has Mike Wiley taken his whistle out of his mouth than the centre circle turns into cocktail hour in Boystown, with fully grown men disrobing first chance they get, flexing their washboards and grinning at each other like they know something we don’t. And it’s not just streakers and Premiership footie players. We’ve had nude surfing, nude show jumping, nude skiing, topless darts, nude rugby and nude chess. Why can’t they show a little restraint for crying out loud? Be a bit more like the rest of us who unfortunately don’t look like middleweight boxers in their prime.

isporty would like to see your nude videos. I mean, let me rephrase that in case someone calls the video cops. isporty would like to see any footage you might have completely innocently and accidentally come across which involves fully grown men or women playing, or attempting to play, their chosen sport. Come on, it’ll be a laugh. For us, that is. Here's some videos you may like to have a look at....

1.My God!

2.The Future of Football?

3.Transexual Poker

4.Streaker

5.Wierd Darts

isporty launch match report

Launch Pictures- It was like the tide coming in; the celebs, the sports stars, the magazine editors, the lovely ladies and the lolly-gaggers who got lost on their way to the toilets on the next floor down; they all converged on one place and one place only last Thursday night. And I'm not talking about London Fashion Week which, you would be right to point out, is another place that some people went to instead. But anyone with any sense and a firm grasp of what it means to have a corking night out, came out in force for the isporty.com launch party. Remorselessly they devoured the half-time oranges; like there was no tomorrow they knocked back the free post-match pints; and with unstinting commitment did they endeavour to have the hooha of all hoohas. Team isporty were there in force, working the room like a pack of blood thirsty media tarts, making sure the guests hadn't fallen over, ensuring that the prawn sandwiches weren't curling at the edges and that the crispiness of the crisps remained at crisp-factor1. Founders Chris Ward and Russ Fraser lorded it around the place with the look of men on a mission; internet Publishing Overlord David Maher Roberts checked his stats and looked satisfied; presenters Rebecca Lowe, and Jo Ankier (who's also the UK's tops 3,000 metre steeplechase runner)swanned about like a couple of ladies of the sporting realm and that funny looking bloke in glasses who writes stuff down and calls it 'journalism', Tim Southwell, pointed important people in the direction of the isporty camera man. Every man jack of the team wore i-sporty branded t-shirts with their names on their backs so people knew who the hell they were. Uniformed up, they proceeded to prowl the arena with gusto, talking cleverly to journalists, regaling the crowd with made up sporting achievements and generally looking like a bunch of cats who'd been kidnapped and taken to the help-yourself cream emporium.

The guest list was like a Wardour St version of the Oscars: It wouldn't be right to mention them all here as some of them are actually quite bashful, but suffice to say that, as isporty investor Terry Venables gave a half-time interview to our own Rebecca Lowe, the onlooking crowd looked like a who's who of media moguls and sporting types. Men's Health Editor, Morgan Rees tucked into the half-time oranges like there was no tomorrow and said: "It's enough to make you take up sport", while Esquire Art Editor Declan Fahey was heard shouting "I love rock climbing!" whilst simultaneously playing both Subbuteo and a Wi version of NASCAR 2007. Chemmy Alcott, Britain's finest skier, declared: "I'll need one of my trademark post-training ice baths after this!" And GolfPunk Associate Editor Iestyn George said excitedly that the whole isporty thing: "Looks like a great idea". Too right, old son. Too bloody right.

And then it was all supposed to be over but no one wanted to leave. They were having too much fun. Not even putting the Newcastle game on TV could dampen our spirits as we went off into the Soho night in search of a post, post-match party pint. I'm not entirely certain but I think we may have found more than one because things were pretty quiet the next morning.

We're up and running people! isporty would like to thank the wonderful people at Heineken for the beer, Red Bull for the energy and OVS for the lovely Chamarre wine. God bless you, everyone!!

The Wrong Gong

Cricket - Those smug Aussies who spent the winter mocking Paul Collingwood's MBE are on course to collect their own OBEs at the World Cup - Out Before Easter. That's right. There they were thinking they were the best team in the world, unbeatable in every competition and therefore quite entitled to being given a big award by someone important, and suddenly everyone from Luxembourg to England start beating them. Ha, ha, bloody ha, you arrogant, conceited halfwits. Paul Collingwood getting an MBE? What a bloody joke, you say. What, the bloke who knocked you losers all over the park whenever he felt like it? Is that the bloke? MBEs 'just for winning a cricket match' complete joke isn't it? In that case none of you will mind giving your awards to me and I will pass them on to the England B team who might be feeling a bit left out of all this.

**isporty* would like to know if you've ever been caught short slagging off a trophy or award because you never thought you'd win one and then got offered one and had to admit you're a spineless, hypocritical twat? Let us know

Le Brickbats hurled at le Footie Match

Football - Manchester United put one foot in the quarter-finals of the Champions League amid chaotic scenes in Lens. Ritchie Ginga scored United's 83rd-minute winner when the referee allowed him to fire in a quick free-kick. But that was only part of the nonsense. The Lille players clearly were not ready as they waited for referee Eric Braamhaar's whistle which never came.

As United celebrated, the Lille stars surrounded the Dutch referee who let the goal stand. "Sacre bleau vous F****** petit mama f*****," one was heard raging. Then a member of the home backroom staff, goalkeeping coach Johnny Nose Dive, got a message on to the pitch. "Le Man Utd et la ref est tres malade, TRES MALADE!," or something. Straight from the restart, Lille kicked the ball out of play and, amazingly, began to walk off in protest like a bunch of sulking children. Mayhem ensued as the United players attempted to stop them. Frenchman Lenny Sandbag tried to reason with them, then Utd captain Gert Nosworthy stormed in.

Red Devils manager Ally Ferndale was clearly quite content to see Lille dig their own grave and told Nosworthy to move away. The pair then shouted at each other: "Fancy going for a curry later?" asked Neville, to which Fergie repiled "Nice one, I'll let the rest of the lads know." For a while, nobody seemed to know what to do. Some Lille players were clearly not happy at abandoning the first-leg clash and went back on the Lens pitch while others stayed off. Some of them voiced concerns that they never get to go for a curry after the game and one Lille player was seen to make a beer swilling gesture at his own manager.

Lille coach Cyrille Pulis just stood there with the disappointed demeanor of a man who'd actually arranged a surprise Italian meal for his team that very night. Finally ref Braamhaar beckoned the players back so the game could restart. The final whistle arrived to deafening whistles and boos. Not surprisingly, there were no handshakes between the two benches.

isporty would like to know if you've ever walked off the pitch (or whatever it is you do your sport on) like a spoilt child who can't get his or her own way? What were the reasons? Also what's your favourite post match/event meal is. Do you all go for a curry or are you more sensible?