Won't Someone think of the Children?!

Filthy World Cup cheat CRISTIANO RONALDO says his perfect birthday present would be for rival fans to get off his back.

Ronaldo, 22 yesterday, said: "It would be good if they stopped booing me. It's starting to make me upset."

"When I played against Arsenal, nobody booed me. Gary Neville said that was because 95% of the crowd were French but that's just not good enough, there should be more French people and less English people, then I wouldn't have to worry about it at all. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't been caught winking in the first place, then people might give me less stick and more benefit of the doubt. Still, I guess that's just not going top happen."

It's all me, me, me with that bloke. He should think of me for a change. While he was conning the ref and scoring the decisive penalty on that terrible June afternoon, where was I? Down the pub? At the match? No, I was at a wedding. With no telly. And lots of gurning waiters who were listening to the match back stage and doing a pretty good impression of soccer sadists hell-bent on winding us all up with casual suggestions of the scoreline and the general broo-haha going on in Germany. It was a pretty dismal experience I can tell you (Great wedding though Digger!!). But do you hear me complaining about it? Well, I know I am now but that's not the point.

And there he goes again against Spurs on Sunday, 'winning' a penalty during Manchester United¹s 4-0 romp at Spurs. As he prepared for Portugal¹s clash with Brazil at the Emirates tonight, Ronaldo added: "The goal and the assist against Tottenham were a birthday present I gave myself and they were a beautiful present". But where are our presents Cristiano, where are our presents?! "When I came to England I was very young but with all the experiences I've had, I¹ve grown up quickly and I'm more mature. At 22, I'm not a kid any more."

Typical Ronaldo, always talking and thinking about himself. Where was he last Sunday when I was reffing the Under 8s at the Crawley Astrodome? I'll tell you where - infiltrating the hearts and minds of our youth, that's where. And not in a good way. There I was, quietly going about my business of awarding dubious free kicks and ludicrous advantages to the opposing team, (My 8 year old was playing for Lindfield), when I was accosted by a rather large parent of the opposing team and accused of favouring my boy's team. I wouldn't mind but, as any parent who gets roped-in to reffing a game involving his own child's side will tell you, you'll go out of your way to be 'fair' and 'honest' (are you listening to this Ronaldo?), and if there's any doubt at all, you'll give the decision to the opposing side.

There was quite a ruccus at half time and things got pretty tasty on the pitch in the second half, with the opposing team reverting to some pretty creative tackling as they tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to claw back a 2-0 deficit racked up by the sterling work of young David and Mick in midfield who were collosal when the battle raged. And youg Ben Tucker at right back was,... hang on a minute, where am I going with this? Oh yeah, anyway, the point is that one of the opposing players, after hacking down one of our boys into a crumpled heap, bent over him and told him in no uncertain terms to 'stop diving'. He then proceeded to wink at his father on the touchline, who, fair credit to him, went berserk and subbed him off. As the villainous youngster trudged off the irony hit me. On the one hand was accusing our boy of 'doing' a Ronaldo and then'doing' a Ronaldo himself. Some legacy, pretty boy. Come on Brazil!!!!!!!!!!