Tiger Mark 2

Professional golfers beware. Tiger Woods has got a niece. And she plays golf. And she’s quite good. Good enough to play off scratch, she hopes to turn professional and just shot 29 for nine holes to win the Arizona State High School Championship. The daughter of Tiger’s half-brother Earl Jr, Cheyenne Woods started her golfing life in the same garage as Tiger. “I’ll never forget that day,” says Tiger sniffing tearfully. “And then all of a sudden to see her go out there and shoot 29 is fantastic. She’s a great kid too.” Course she is. Tiger’s advice to Cheyenne? "Just kick butt and have fun." It really is all bottoms today, isn’t it?

Strewth Sheila

Alright, alright, so I was a little premature in bringing down the curtain on English cricket in this blog the other day. But how was I to know that they’d suddenly remember how to bat? What am I, bloody psychic? So here it is, my grovelling apology: Good work Paul Collingwood, 106 runs, ably backed up by 55 from Straussy and decent knocks from Joyce and Dalrymple took us to 270 for 7. Although we tried to chuck it away with 76 wides in the first two overs of the NZ innings, they managed an Englandesque middle order collapse of their own to hand us a most gratefully received passage to the final against Australia. Even Aussie legend Jeff Thomson is backing our chances: “Finally, England have showed some form.” He said encouragingly. Now don’t cock it up ya losers,… I mean, come on chaps, you can do it!

Oi, Mayweather, shut it!

Boxer Floyd Mayweather Junior really ought to watch his trousers. Just because you’re recognised as the world’s best pound for pound boxer, doesn’t mean you can talk gutter snipe nonsense when it comes to our own IBF Light Welterweight Champion, Ricky Hatton. Mayweather Junior has been all over the American press this week, slobbering through his gum shield and saying stuff like: “Ricky Hatton is a bloated can of garbage.” What’s all that about? If he carries on like that he could hurt someone’s feelings. Oh, I see, that’s what he’s trying to do. Hhmmm, clever. Very clever. See, if they ever get in the ring together for a dust up and Hatton takes a sock to the jaw, he may just think to himself: “Maybe I am a bloated can of garbage after all.” Therefore giving Mayweather a psychological advantage. Get it? “Hatton ain’t nothing but a fat man,” he rants on, somewhat repeating himself in my opinion. “And I’m going to punch him in his beer belly.” It’s hardly Ali at his finest but, as he graciously took time out from preparing for the world’s richest ever non-title fight against Oscar De La Hoya, but it seems you can’t shut the man up. “Hatton ain’t even good enough to be my sparring partner,” he says. “When I retire I’ll have Hatton wash my clothes, cut my lawn and buckle my shoes.” Buckled shoes, you say.

It's all Bottoms with you isn't it?

Ahead of England's crunch must win but let's not put too much emphasis on it-as we'll probably only draw friendly against Spain at Old Trafford tomorrow night, stand-in skipper Steven Gerrard has backed Joey Barton's fascination with his bottom. Or, to put it another way, he said that Barton's contraversial comments slamming England's World Cup flops for bringing out books when they've won nothing, were a welcome kick in the bottom. Gerrard added that Barton's controversial England call has given Steve McClaren's misfiring squad a much needed "shake-up" in the bottom department.

The Liverpool midfielder held out the hand of friendship to fellow Scouser Barton despite the simmering anger in the squad over the Manchester City man's attack on the "bullsh*t" books brought out on the back of the World Cup flop. But Gerrard, who leads England at Old Trafford tomorrow, admitted that McClaren's men needed to know their bottoms, or arses as the Americans prefer to call them, were on the line after a poor start to their Euro 2008 campaign.

Gerrard, who hilariously left a copy of his own book outside Barton's hotel room yesterday, said: "If you look at our performances in the last couple of tournaments I think a firm boot to the bottom area is just what's needed. If Joey can help us in this department then it's the team that counts, bottoms or no bottoms. Steve McClaren's said that himself. If you look at our performances you can tell there's a lot of work to do. New additions to the squad help. We're all professionals at the end of the day. New ideas freshen things up and keep players on their toes and away from their bottoms. When you know you have competition behind you for places it can help you raise your game and, as any pro will tell you, your bottom should then take care of itself."

Barton held clear-the-air talks with Frank Lampard - who had gone public with his anger at the City man's withering attacks - after arriving at England's Manchester base yesterday.

Won't Someone think of the Children?!

Filthy World Cup cheat CRISTIANO RONALDO says his perfect birthday present would be for rival fans to get off his back.

Ronaldo, 22 yesterday, said: "It would be good if they stopped booing me. It's starting to make me upset."

"When I played against Arsenal, nobody booed me. Gary Neville said that was because 95% of the crowd were French but that's just not good enough, there should be more French people and less English people, then I wouldn't have to worry about it at all. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't been caught winking in the first place, then people might give me less stick and more benefit of the doubt. Still, I guess that's just not going top happen."

It's all me, me, me with that bloke. He should think of me for a change. While he was conning the ref and scoring the decisive penalty on that terrible June afternoon, where was I? Down the pub? At the match? No, I was at a wedding. With no telly. And lots of gurning waiters who were listening to the match back stage and doing a pretty good impression of soccer sadists hell-bent on winding us all up with casual suggestions of the scoreline and the general broo-haha going on in Germany. It was a pretty dismal experience I can tell you (Great wedding though Digger!!). But do you hear me complaining about it? Well, I know I am now but that's not the point.

And there he goes again against Spurs on Sunday, 'winning' a penalty during Manchester United¹s 4-0 romp at Spurs. As he prepared for Portugal¹s clash with Brazil at the Emirates tonight, Ronaldo added: "The goal and the assist against Tottenham were a birthday present I gave myself and they were a beautiful present". But where are our presents Cristiano, where are our presents?! "When I came to England I was very young but with all the experiences I've had, I¹ve grown up quickly and I'm more mature. At 22, I'm not a kid any more."

Typical Ronaldo, always talking and thinking about himself. Where was he last Sunday when I was reffing the Under 8s at the Crawley Astrodome? I'll tell you where - infiltrating the hearts and minds of our youth, that's where. And not in a good way. There I was, quietly going about my business of awarding dubious free kicks and ludicrous advantages to the opposing team, (My 8 year old was playing for Lindfield), when I was accosted by a rather large parent of the opposing team and accused of favouring my boy's team. I wouldn't mind but, as any parent who gets roped-in to reffing a game involving his own child's side will tell you, you'll go out of your way to be 'fair' and 'honest' (are you listening to this Ronaldo?), and if there's any doubt at all, you'll give the decision to the opposing side.

There was quite a ruccus at half time and things got pretty tasty on the pitch in the second half, with the opposing team reverting to some pretty creative tackling as they tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to claw back a 2-0 deficit racked up by the sterling work of young David and Mick in midfield who were collosal when the battle raged. And youg Ben Tucker at right back was,... hang on a minute, where am I going with this? Oh yeah, anyway, the point is that one of the opposing players, after hacking down one of our boys into a crumpled heap, bent over him and told him in no uncertain terms to 'stop diving'. He then proceeded to wink at his father on the touchline, who, fair credit to him, went berserk and subbed him off. As the villainous youngster trudged off the irony hit me. On the one hand was accusing our boy of 'doing' a Ronaldo and then'doing' a Ronaldo himself. Some legacy, pretty boy. Come on Brazil!!!!!!!!!!