Johnny & his Monkey hit the gym

Jonny Vegas and his Monkey are back on our screens but this time they're enjoying that good old English past-time of tea drinking. PG Tips have signed them up to promote the brew. Johnny's reportedly battling the bulge in the gym, before his comeback. Let's hope he can inspire our isporty members to get fit and healthy in the New Year....

Great Britain's great walks

Why not reduce your carbon footprint by swapping overseas exploration for a good old walk around our great nation? The Great Outdoors magazine has an excellent guide to the UKs 19 National Trails. Not only will you see the 'real' Britain, but walking is one of the most effective exercises you can do. So switch those big polluting planes in the sky to the greener plains of GB!

High-level hikes

If high-level walking is your thing, this month's Country Walking magazine has "Your ultimate guide to the Lake District". Follow a first-hand account of the trecherous 'Eskdale Horseshoe' walk. Can you handle it?

Tiger's going Berserk

Hold the phone, put down your double-decaff-flavour-neutral-hot-beverage and put the cat out! I've just seen Tiger Woods bogey a golf hole. You could have knocked me down with a niblick as his 15 foot par putt slid by on the right at the Dubai Desert Classic. It just doesn't seem right somehow. Especially with the form he's in. The future President Of the United States has won seven US stroke tournaments in a row which is mind boggling when you stop to think about it. Anyone fancy a fiver on him beating the record? Woods needs five more US tour wins to beat Byron Nelson’s astonishing record of 11 straight. “I feel good about where I’m headed, the understanding I have of my game and my swing,” Woods said, three days after winning the Buick Invitational. “It’s always good to get another ‘W’ under the belt.” He also told England's Paul Casey (put your money on him for The Masters) that "A day without adrenalin is a day wasted." I think we can all relate to that. Especially me as I've got a slight head cold which has kept me on the sidelines for the last 12 years.

ARE YOU TIGER IN DISGUISE? isporty are launching our search for the amatuer version of Tiger Woods/Byron Nelson. Do you know anyone who's had a similar record, whether it's in the Saturday Medal, a golf society or low handicap county standard. Send your nominations in and we'll say something nice about you. Honest.

Where has Jonny been?

The Guardian (1st Feb) answers the question...

On Saturday the man dubbed Goldenboots by Sir Elton John will finally get to kick a rugby ball for England again. It's been 1,167 days and 44 England matches on the sidelines for Jonny Wilkinson since his last-ditch drop goal won the 2003 rugby World Cup. Ten serious injuries have kept him almost completely off the field. Never mind the MBE, BBC sports personality gong and reported £5m annual earnings; Wilkinson's absence must have come as a peculiar torture for such a famously obsessive competitor, a man who says the first things he wrote in joined-up handwriting as a six-year-old were "I love rugby" and "I would like to play for England". So what has he been doing all this time? Read more

Ultimate guide to the Six Nations

Rugby World (March) features the ultimate guide to the 2007 Six Nations. Read the verdicts from the men in charge of the six countries. Who do you think is going to walk away with the metal?

Slam Dunc!

Just when — finally finally finally in the aftermath of The Ashes 2005 — you thought it was safe to engage in conversation with an Antipodean type, along comes another test series and an opportunity for the Australians to 'settle our hash'. And what a mortifyingly clinical, ruthless, merciless job they did of us. If we'd had any sense following the 2005 win, we'd have called a big press conference and stated pure and simple that this victory was our final word on the subject of cricket. Job done, Ashes residing in rightful place, no need to play the game any more. They might have called us names but they wouldn't have been able to systematically dismantle us in front of the entire cricketing world.

I blame that bloated South African fella and I'm not talking about Kevin Pietersen. OK, so when Duncan Fletcher took over in 1999 England were the worst Test side in the world, having just lost at home to New bloody Zealand. Fletcher put us back on the world map again. People say we should be grateful. And he did mastermind our Ashes win didn't he? The main problem I've got with Duncan Fletcher is I just don't like the look of him. He looks shifty, like he gets up to no good in the privacy of his own home. Anyway, he's done his tour of duty for British sport, thanks mate but time to clear off and let Boycott take over. And that's bound to happen.....

What do you think? Should he stay or should he go? Fletcher to stay * Flecther to go *

Motty: Still King of the sheepskin

The quite excellent 4-4-2 magazine has run a poll to find out just who is the greatest fotball commentator. Jon Motson is still the best commentator around, according to FourFourTwo users. He got an impressive 40.3% of our Quick Vote, with Martin Tyler second (22.1%) and Clive Tyldesley third (11%). Peter Drury got 0%. Hang on a minute, what about Elton Welsby? Go to FourFourTwo and register your disgust. No, scrap that, let's do our own poll right here. And let's broaden it out. Who is the greatest sports commentator in general? My money's on Peter Alliss for saying "That's bollocks!" during the Masters 2004 and then folowing it up with "It's not over yet." when Phil Mickelson holed the wining putt. Genius. The best posts get an iSporty clip round the ear, I mean t-shirt!!!!! PS There's only one Gary Newbon! Say it with me y'all... There's only one Gary Newbon!!

Ashley close to grief again

No one likes to see anyone get injured, especially if they play for your national side so here's hoping Ashley Cole recovers from what looks like a pretty serious injury, sustained in last night's 3-0 win over Blackburn at Stamford Bridge. Even Mourinho admitted: “It looks bad, Ashley couldn’t walk. It could be a ligament, cross ligament, internal ligament or patella — at the moment we are not sure.”

Cole jarred his left knee after catching his studs in the turf. Scans today will reveal the full extent of the problem but Mourinho is bracing himself for the worst - Cole being on the sidelines long enough for him to 'write' another book in which he can declare to the world that he felt an emotion "close to grief" when he realised he wouldn't be getting any more win bonuses this season. We wish him a speedy recovery.

David Heelies to be Banned?

The Sun today debates the merits of whether heelie trainers should be banned. You know when you've been 'Heelied' when a small individual races past you on what you suspect are roller skates except that when you look down to investigate the kid is wearing what appear to be perfectly normal shoes. 'That's clever' you think to yourself, I wonder how he perfected the art of weightlesness?' And then you realise you've just had your first encounter with Heelies, a shoe with a wheel on the heel.

Invented by Leeds United & Northern Ireland David Healy ('Healys' was already taken at the trademark & patents organisation), the Heelie has swept the nation in much the same way as Yo Yos, Hula Hoops and hooded jumpers. We bought some for our kids and whilst I'm concerned that the lads risk ankle or hamstring injury due to the pointy uppy nature of the things, they don't annoy me anywhere near as much as those bloody suitcases people have on wheels. You know the ones - you can see the person but you can't see the suitcase because it's trailing three feet behind him just begging you to step to the side of its owner, thus kopping the suitcase full in the ankle, tripping up theatrically and falling arse over trouser.

I hereby call for a stupid suitcase amnesty where, no questions asked, I get to throw the lot of them on a large heap of disused tyres and set light to them.

World Cup Star's Wag De-Keks For Arena Magazine

Strewth, hot on the heels of Nuts magazine's 100 Sexiest Footballers' Wives extravaganza (see our hilariously titled 'Wagging For It' headline yesterday), Arena Magazine has nailed a scoop of their own. And it goes someway to explaining why Theo Walcott was in such a hurry to get subbed off last night. He had to leg it sharpish down to his local newsagents to get himself a copy of the mag' which features raunchy pictures of his girlfriend Melanie Slade. The 2006 winner of the BBC Sports Personality Award for 'Not Playing Any Games For His Club And Then Getting On A Plane And Sitting In A Hotel Room' has been dating yound Ms Slade ever since he picked her up from her place, took her out for dinner, got on one knee, suddenly remembered how old he was, coughed politely and promptly did his shoe lace up. Rumours that Walcott has expressed feelings of being 'gutted' at this turn of events are as yet unsubstantiated but The Piper is reliably informed he has received a full season's quota of 'stick' from his team mates already, some of whom have spent vast amounts of their win bonus for beating Spurs last night on decorating the team coach with said pics. Walcott is, by all accounts, a nice lad. Even Slade thinks so. "He's a very nice lad" she was once overheard saying. Anyway this is going nowhere so why don't you check it out for yourself at www.arenamagazine.co.uk Buy a subscription while you're there, it's a corking mag.