Deal or no deal

Hands up who's ever been transferred, because it's one of the great laments of my career that I never have. Not once, not under any interpretation of the word whatsover, not once have I been transferred.

Tapped-up yes, interfered with certainly and slung out, indeed, but never, ever transferred. The closest I ever got was back in 1979 when playing centre forward for St Wilfrids Under 14s in the Mid-Sussex Sunday league. After an uncharacteristically good first half performance during which I scored two goals, hit the post and generally couldn't do a thing wrong, I became the subject of the attentions of the opposing manager - a burly Scotsman with a complexion like the inside of an antique teapot. As half-time approached I retrieved the ball from said Scotsman for a throw-in. As he handed the ball over I was convinced he gave me a slight wink. Ignoring this blatant attempt at psychological warfare, I carried on. In the half-time interval I nipped to the loo feeling generally good about the world. As I sidled up to the urinal and went about my business, I was joined on my right by the Scottish coach.

"You know," he said in a mean Glaswegian drawl, looking down in my general area. "I think you've got something there." Now, urinating in front of other men has never been my speciality, but so long as no words are exchanged and we all do the polite thing and stare straight ahead and try not to be interesting, I'm normally OK. On this occasion I was immediately gripped with uncertainty. "Eh?" was all I could muster. "You could be going places," he informed me before adding. "You just need steering." As far as I could ascertain my performance in the urinal steerage department up to this point had been flawless but who was I to argue with a burly Scotsman. "Hhhnnffnnrrrr.." was all I could muster as I braced myself for his next lewd comment. "How about we meet for a drrrrinnkk? Just you and me, no one needs to know, ..... strictly on the QT." The words Q & T spun off his Celtic tongue with gleeful conspiracy.

Just my luck I thought, just as I'm having the game of my life I get interfered with by a homicidal gay Scotsman. I legged it out for the second half, and spent the entire 45 minutes avoiding the entire left hand side of the pitch where he was prowling.

Anyway, the game ended and I was off faster than you could say 'urinal impotence'. Never spoke to the fella again and it was days later that I discovered through a mutual friend that the Scotsman wasn't cruising for gay football sex, he was actually trying to sign me for his club. I wonder if that's how Rafa Benitez goes about his business? It's hard to imagine Jose Mourinho leering over the urinal wall in order to persuade Michael Essien as to the honourable nature of his intentions: "Hey, Michael, you are good, you are very good. How about I get you into the club no? It’s verrry good forrr yooou, his verrry good forrrr me." There is, after all, a time and a place.

Transfer deadline excitement is reaching fever pitch. The big news so far…. Javier Mascerano takes his one man show of contempt to Liverpool, Gareth Bale decides he’s better off in the Championship at Southampton than, Shaun Maloney joins Villa from Celtic, and news reaches us that Michael Duberry has finished his cup of tea and is seriously considering Steve Coppell’s offer of a suggestive digestive….. now calm down everyone….

ANYWAY, as the transfer deadline curtain begins to fall we would like to hear your own stories about transfers, whether they concern the club you play for or the club you support, it's all good as far as we're concerned. Have you ever been transferred? Have you ever had to let anyone go? What's the best and worst transfer you've ever seen or heard about, whether it's your local five a side team or ManbloodyUnited. Brng it on and send ‘em in. Otherwise I'll have nothing to read tonight and will end up watching Dispatches or something…

Wagging for it

(well, according to Nuts magazine anyway...)

Hang on to your tousers and watch out for flying gozongas - the new Nuts magazine is out today and features its annual Top 100 Footballers Wives special. ie The actual wives and girlfriends of the world's greatest footballers. IQ and a firm grasp of foreign policy do not seem to have been a factor in determining this list but if ever there was an incentive to delay hanging your boots up this is it. You have to feel for the poor young lad who had to research this. Probably sat in a corner reduced to a gibbering wreck mumbling "No more, can't take any more, please Mrs Crouch, leave me be!" Anyway, we here @ iSporty have done our own forensics on the magazine's contents and come up with a shortlist of 10. They are...

1. Helen Svedin (Inter Milan's Luis Figo)
2. Magdalene Hedman (Chelsea's Magnus Hedman)
3. Gemma Atkinson (Man U's Cristiano Ronaldo)
4. Ilary Blasi AS Roma's Franceso Totti - insert your own gag here)
5. Francesco Lodo (Livorno's Francesco Coco)
6. Jadene (QPR's Mark Bircham)
7. Elena Santarelli (Man City's Bernardo Corradi)
8. Cassie Summer (Chelsea's Michael Essien)
9. Adriane Karembu (Christian Karembu - retired and who can blame the fella?)
10. Abigail Clancy (Liverpool's Peter Crouch)

Check it out yourself at www.nuts.co.uk

Wanted - real life grass roots WAGs Please feel free to enter our very own WAG of the day for grass roots sports individuals like us. I suggested this to my wife and now we're sleeping on seperate continents so mind how you go...

Tiger: Becks can make it in LA

Dubai - David Beckham's quest for super-stardom in the United States has drawn support from current top draw card, Tiger Woods.

The wealthiest and most recognised sportsman in the world said that the former England skipper knows what he is doing in moving from Spanish powerhouses Real Madrid to the footballing backwaters of the LA Galaxy.

"I think in Los Angeles, we've lost basically two football teams, the Rams and the Raiders moved out," he said.

"Now we're looking for something else and I think with David's star power there, I think it will bring another notch and another thing for all of us in southern California to come out and watch and observe."

Woods though made it known that star-quality or not, he would not be changing his schedule to follow Beckham's progress.

Asked if he was a Galaxy fan or if he followed any team's results, he made it clear that when it came to sport he was traditional American through and through.

"Yeah, I like to watch, but as far as me following soccer religiously like people over here do, no," he said. "I'm more of a basketball/baseball/football kind of guy."

24.com

Extreme Snowmobile

Not so long ago the first backflip on a motorbike was successfully landed. Now, the backflip is being landed by 200 kg Snowmobiles! Check it out!